“I’m Dr. Phil, welcome to our show.
“Today we’re going to talk to people who’ve lived in Manteca for 20 years and still hate it. I’m going to see what I can do to get them over their deep-seated hate for the place.”
“First let’s find out more about our first guest, Joe Despiseit.”
“Joe is a 50-year-old who moved to Manteca 20 years ago because he wanted to live in a smaller city to raise his family. He’s married with two grown kids, a son and a daughter. Both children participated in sports and other community activities but dad never helped out. He was always too busy.”
“Let’s roll the clip . . . “
JOE: (Shown in video standing in front of his home with 2.5 vehicles parked on his front lawn between four-foot high stands of grass and weeds with a dead Christmas tree still in his driveway despite it being early April.) “This town is a dump. Who’d want to live here? Nobody has any class.”
DR. PHIL: “You think? Our second guest is Velma Melmac. She’s always complaining about everyone in town being in cahoots and in conspiracies to deprive her of her constitutional rights. From her perspective, the good old boys control everything in town — the council, the school board, the newspaper, the water district, and the Tiny Toy Football League. Let’s roll Velma’s clip.”
VELMA: (On video leaning forward over a podium in the City Council chambers.)
“I heard that you don’t do a thing, Mr. Mayor, without first consulting Mr. Notrehta. And I don’t know why any of you bother to listen to anyone who gets up here to talk because you don’t do what we tell you to do. You were all bought and paid for by developers, don’t tell me you aren’t. I know. I know everything. I know about you and your development buddies. Don’t tell me I don’t. I’m working with people in Sacramento and they know a thing or two about you and fluoride. Tippecanoe & Tyler Too. Space, the final frontier . . .
DR PHIL: “Speaking of space . . .”
(Appreciative chuckle from the crowd on the Comcast set at 1001 W. Center St.)
DR. PHIL: “Let’s go ahead and bring out Joe and Velma and see what they think is good about Manteca. Good afternoon.”
VELMA: “Good afternoon, Dr. Phil. Now don’t try to pull any fast ones with me. I saw you having lunch with the mayor.”
JOE: “What’s so good about Manteca? Don’t you mean what’s so bad about this dive of a town?”
DR. PHIL: “Let’s start with you, Joe. Don’t you think you have a negative attitude? If you dislike Manteca, why do you stay?”
JOE: “Stay in this stupid, crime ridden dump? Why would anyone want to do that?”
DR. PHIL: “Precisely, if that’s your attitude why stay?”
JOE: “Huh?”
DR. PHIL: “You complain about people being unfriendly, yet you’re not friendly. You say you want to be able to work at a job in Manteca for $25 an hour but you haven’t worked to hone your skills to the point that you could hold down such a job. You say the stores all stink, but when something comes into town like you wanted you won’t support it because you say the prices are too high even though it was the same cost they charged in other towns.”
JOE: “You’re missing my point. The stores are in Manteca so why would I want to shop in such a crappy place? Manteca is ugly. There aren’t enough cops.”
DR. PHIL: “I see. But if you want the city to look better, why don’t you start in your own front yard. As for more cops, you want additional police officers but you don’t want to pay for them.”
JOE: “Why should I? I pay $300 a year in property taxes. That should be more than enough to hire 70 more police officers. This is crime ridden dump.”
DR. PHIL: “You keep saying Manteca is a crime ridden dump, yet crime has been dropping for the past four years. And when you consider crimes per 1,000 residents, it has dropped significantly as Manteca has grown since 1998. So give me a personal example of why you think Manteca is a crime ridden dump.”
JOE: “I call the police and they take hours to get here. Last Friday night I called to complain about a neighbor who parked his car the wrong way on the street. It took them four hours to get here.”
DR. PHIL: “Did you ever stop and think they may have had higher priority calls like domestic violence, drunken drivers, gang problems . . .”
JOE: “That’s just excuses. They’re lazy. I saw three of them having coffee at that place on North Main Street the other day.”
DR. PHIL: “Did you think they might be on their break?”
JOE: “Break? They’re not entitled to breaks. They’re on the public dole. They’re supposed to be working.”
DR. PHIL: “Joe, do you think the problem might just be your attitude and that everything actually may be working just fine?”
JOE: “I know what I know. This town has low-class people, it’s boring, it’s ugly, and is a sorry excuse for a community.”
DR. PHIL: “Why don’t you just move out of Manteca then?”
JOE: “Why should I?”
DR. PHIL: “Why indeed. What do you think of all of this, Velma?”
VELMA: “It’s as plain as a 156-page lawsuit to me, Dr. Phil. The machine run by boss man Mr. Notrehta is out to get him.”
DR. PHIL: “Get him?”
VELMA: “Everyone is in on the conspiracy. They’re conspiring to make housing unaffordable. They’re conspiring to give away our money. They’re conspiring to build homes. They’re conspiring to conspire.”
DR. PHIL: “Don’t you think you are a little paranoid?”
VELMA: “Someone has to keep them honest.”
DR. PHIL: “I see. What about your approach, Velma? Do you think you might be able to get more with honey instead of lobbying a bee hive at everyone?”
VELMA: “They’re partnering up with the Great Wolf Resort folks who aren’t going to do anything for Manteca but invest $180 million in a destination resort hotel with an indoor water park, create 500 jobs, generate $1.7 million a year out of the gate for city services,  and provide an annual payroll of $12 million. What about affordable housing? What about street maintenance? What about the homeless? What about the Alamo?”
DR. PHIL: “Earth to Velma, come in please.”
VELMA: “What do you mean, Dr. Phil?”
DR. PHIL: “I asked you a question about your attitude and you go off on a tangent.”
VELMA: “It’s a conspiracy. They’re all out to destroy life as we know it.”
DR. PHIL: “Velma, did you ever stop and think they may actually have legitimate viewpoints that are different than yours?”
VELMA: “Huh?”
DR. PHIL: “There are two types of people in life. Either you get it, or you don’t.”
VELMA: “I don’t get it.”
DR. PHIL: “You think? I honestly don’t know if there is much anyone can do for either one of you until both of you accept the fact that people don’t always agree with you and just because they don’t think the way you do doesn’t mean they’re evil.”
JOE: “This is a crummy show.”
VELMA: “You’re one of the good old boys, aren’t you Dr. Phil?”
DR. PHIL: “That’s all we have time for, folks. Tune in tomorrow when we have the Manteca Unified School Board on to discuss how they are preparing for growth as well as preparing students for the workplace . . .”
VELMA: “They’re in on the conspiracy too . . .”
JOE: “Crummy schools . . .”
DR. PHIL: “Remember, you have two choices in life, you can be like them or take positive control. Bye now.”

This column is the opinion of executive editor, Dennis Wyatt, and does not necessarily represent the opinion of The Bulletin or Morris Newspaper Corp. of CA.  He can be contacted at dwyatt@mantecabulletin.com or 209.249.3519.