Saul Trujillo — “Right now someone is watching a police station burn down, on a TV they looted from Target, and thinking, ‘Man, those people are crazy.’”

Dave Sutcliffe — “Remember when Pro Wrestling admitted they were fake but nobody cared and continued to watch anyway? We’re almost there with politics and the media.”

Anthony K — (Upon seeing me notice someone attempting to shoplift at Grocery Outlet) “You gonna rat? What do you work at the bank? (Me — “??”) You a Teller?!”

Lydia Hill — “My dad and I are sharing the dining room table, as we work from home today. He’s an aerospace engineer ordering fuselage prototypes — I’m drawing a duck on a napkin.”

Eric Spiegelman — “My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it’s called ‘Why Are You Doing It That Way?’ and there are no winners.”

Jason Sohm — “Since there’s only going to be 60 games of MLB this year, I think all PEDs should not only be allowed — they should be mandatory”

Connor Martin — “Has anyone informed the Amish?”

Connor Martin — “Wind is like hills for birds.”

Mommy Meme Jeans — “So it turns out that it wasn’t that I didn’t have enough time to organize my house, it’s that I’m a lazy piece of garbage. I know this now.”

Mikel Jollet — “How about this. No more billionaires. None. After $999 million, every red cent goes to schools and healthcare — but you get a trophy that says ‘I won capitalism” and we name a dog park after you.”

Andre Morton — “Yo. How about we replace every confederate flag with a rainbow flag, and just kill two birds with one stone at this point?!”

Taylor Evans — “Straight White People: ‘We want a parade!’ What exactly do you think that Macy’s Day event on Thanksgiving Day is?”

Taylor Evans — “I’m pretty sure I’m the first standup comedian to do a ZOOM (online) Comedy Show, while shopping alone for cheese in a grocery store. One day you guys will be able to tell your grandchildren you knew me.”

Sarah Rogers — “Please God, ban the phrases ‘in these uncertain times’ or ‘in this together’ from commercials indefinitely. Burger King isn’t your friend — it’s a fast food chain!”

Nico Villanueva — “Oh dude - you gotta try baking your own bread during quarantine. It takes 14 hours to do and is boring as hell but the results are often quite disappointing.”

Nick Larson — “You know you’re bored when you don’t mind walking every aisle at the grocery store.”

AJ DeMello - (Walking into a cemetery) “Well this is officially the weirdest place I’ve ever worn a mask. My dad is probably looking down getting a laugh ‘Son, it’s not like it’s your best feature.”

AJ DeMello — “Conversations after quarantine: ‘What do you mean you Don’t put cake frosting on crackers?!”

AJ DeMello — “Dogs are for sure the most confident farters.”

Anthony K — “I just saw a Mexican girl with gold hoop earrings and Hot Cheetos dust on her fingertips rapping all the words to a Jay-Z song - I’m ‘bout to ask her if she wants to get married at the courthouse.”

Chris Teicheira — “I see a lot of people on social media calling others ‘Sheeple’ — a word they picked up 8 months ago and now use ad nauseum because it’s easier to piggyback someone else’s catchword than formulate your own thoughts — kinda like Sheeple.”

Jennifer Wright — “Well, us Millennials finally had to stop going out for avocado toast. Can everybody afford a house now?”

Jason Sohm — “I don’t know why people are so upset about the mask thingy? I was at the store and walked right by someone I knew without saying a word — It was glorious!”

Connor Martin — “Don’t eat more than 2 or 3 bags of gummy bears in a night. I won’t go into details - just don’t do it!”

Stephen Szczerba — “Kinda feel bad for attractive people who are now having to communicate with their words for the first time — and realizing they don’t have a personality.”

Alec Sulkin — “In these trying times, it takes a real man to go to the grocery store and that man is my wife. Thanks, Love.”

Saul Trujillo — “If we stopped calling them monuments, and start calling them ‘bird poopers’ will we all be ok with them staying up?”

Saul Trujillo — “I just messaged my cousin in Mexico about the riots. He doesn’t really care but wanted me to let him know when the next big distraction started — ‘Come on in baby boy. No one is watching the front door.”

Jason Sohm — “During this quarantine I’ve learned that a whole lot of people think a haircut is gonna make them more attractive.”

Andre Morton — “Been brushing my teeth a lot more thoroughly now that I’m smelling my own breath for hours every day.”

Andre Morton — “There’s a lot of terrible things going on in the world right now but I just wanted to let ya’ll know that...I ordered a bidet for my bathroom over a month ago, and it’s finally getting delivered today — It’s gonna be cleaner than ever down there!”

Nick Simmons — “I feel bad for all the girls stuck in quarantine with a new boyfriend on Day 21 of pretending they don’t poop.”

Lloyd Barbasol — “Just saw a very sweet moment that reminded me of old Manteca. A group of kids playing stickball in a court near Shasta Park —  getting their exercise in as they hugged and carried on. Not ashamed to say I had a slight nostalgic lump in my throat as I called the police on them — it’s 6 feet! rules are rules.”

Chris Teicheira — “Fireworks at all hours of the night and 2 weeks before the 4th — people losing sleep because their dogs are going nuts. Ridiculous. Just ridiculous. Maybe if these selfish people had gotten a deaf puppy instead of needing one of those fancy hearing kind — these cool fireworks dudes wouldn’t have to hear all their complaints.”  

It’s not Where ya do, It’s What ya do.